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Jan 12 11 4:39 PM

Beyoncé Knowles is an American R&B and pop recording artist, dancer, producer, songwriter, actress, fashion model, philanthropist, hair braider, weed seller, career-ender, award show shut-downer, and real estate agent.

In 2010, Rolling Stone voted her as the "greatest entertainer on earth". In 2009, TIME Magazine voted her as the "greatest human being on earth". In 2008, Essence Magazine wrote: “Beyoncé is quite simple the greatest thing since orgasms, and anyone who hates her is probably fat, smelly, and illiterate”.

Artist Bio

Beyoncé was born September 4, 1981 in Houston, Texas. She was a shy and introverted child. The other kids hated on her because she was better looking and more talented (this would be a major theme of her adult life). She formed a singing group with her half-sister and their 2 tone-deaf friends. The first album was a moderate success on the Billboard Basic #*!!! Charts. Their 2nd album made them a crossover success. One day the 2 tone-deaf broads decided they should have the same perks and privileges as Beyonce despite not having the same level of talent (this would also be a major theme of Beyonce's adult life). One Wednesday afternoon they called a meeting saying they wanted new management, By Thursday morning they were kicked out of the group and working at Hardee’s with 2 former members of Xscape. After adding and kicking out more broads, Destiny’s Child became the biggest selling female group of all time.

In 2003, Beyonce released a solo album and has been making your favorite artist's life unbearable ever since.

Beyonce's Impact on the Industry

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Private Life

On April 4, 2008 Beyonce married her first husband Jay-Z in a private ceremony in New York City.

According to wedding attendees Jay said:

“I promise to stay with you through better or worse, through richer or poorer, through sickness and health, as long you stay young and relevant.”

Beyonce Stans

To understand the relationship between Beyonce stans and Beyonce haters it is best to understand the relationship between the lion and the hyena.

We’ve all seen the Discovery Channel footage of the lion savagely ripping the hyena apart.

That’s the hyena’s side of the story. This is the lion’s side:

The lion does not want to kill the hyena. He doesn’t even like the taste of hyena. The lion is minding his business, eating a Chipotle burrito bowl and watching Bad Girls Club. Then all of a sudden the hyena comes starting *$@!. The lion ignores the hyena, but the hyena continues. The lion could let the hyena go but he has a reputation to uphold, so he rips the hyena into several bloody pieces and gets portrayed as a bully.

Beyonce stans don’t want to drag people. There’s plenty of Beyonce-related things going on to occupy their time. Hit albums, hit singles, hit movies, videos, awards, sold-out tours, pictures, articles, praise from legends. Everyday there is something to do. It is extremely rare that a Beyonce stan goes looking to drag anybody. Beyonce stans could ignore them but like most stans they feel the need to straighten people out, and once you've angered Beyonce stans you're pretty much dead.

Beyonce stans have had to fight Ashanti stans, Janet Jackson stans, Rihanna stans, even Aretha stans. Anybody who stans for anything with a vagina has tried it with Beyonce stans at one point or another.

Beyonce stans have emerged as major winners in internet stan wars, mainly because they have numbers, Grammys, and the co-signature of legends and icons. When you have the President of the United States stanning out over you would think that would shut a lot of people up. However people continue to try it with Beyonce stans and end up with large chunks of hair and wig strands snatched from their scalp.

Beyonce Stan Ammunition

  • 16 Grammys
  • Tour that grossed $100 million
  • Reputation as a live performer
  • Vocal Talent
  • Praise from icons and legends
  • Awards
  • Started Several Cultural Phenomenons
  • Respect for being classy and remaining relevant without a reality show.
  • Critical Acclaim
  • Box Office Receipts

Stan Weaknesses

  • The questionable songwriting credits
  • The notion that she’s Diana Ross 2.0 (a spotlight-hogging diva who can’t sit down)
  • The "stealing"
  • The Excess of Endorsements ( water, perfumes, TVs, soda, clothes, makeup, feminine wipes, etc.)
  • The idea that she is only famous for being light-skinned with blond hair (only an insecure Precious-looking chick would continue to bring this up in 2010)
  • The idea that she is an Illuminati princess who sacrifices infants and small puppies to Satan.
  • The Countryassness of Dereon
  • The occasional Countryassness of her Creative Team and Staging in comparison to the amount of money we know she has.
  • The occasional Countryassness of her videos in comparison to the amount of money we know she has.
  • Inconsistent Acting Performances

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